Sentence Auditions

Ideas and Curiosities

Category: Personal

The Cambridge Feeling

youarehere

Five days ago, I put on my headphones, turned on some new music, and set out for a walk in the hour before sunset in Cambridge. It was chilly, and I wore no coat, but I walked slowly nevertheless, reveling in the city’s every detail. The next day, Marathon Monday, my evening walk felt differently. I’d avoided tragedy, but only by chance. My mother reassured me that she had been “half a football field” from the second bomb, a fact that cheered her but sounded too close to dumb luck to console me.

Terrorism does not scare me. I would still walk the streets of Boston, and of Cambridge, any day. I’m sure that there are hardly any who feel otherwise; Bostonians are rational, Cantabrigians, too, and they know the odds are in their favor. How do we unpack this feeling, then, the one that robs us of sleep after an attack?

As much as you want to feel when these things happen, there’s a limit you reach, shattered only when you see SWAT teams lined along the street which you drunkenly walked while too broke to pay for a cab some Saturday night. The streets where you smiled at your landlord through his shop’s floor-to-ceiling glass window, entranced by his fingers weaving patches into torn rugs late into the night. Where you walked for hours with friends, exploring the patchwork of public housing and mansions, dingy convenience stores lined next to bookshops for mystics, dissidents, artists, and scholars. And in June, where you danced outdoors with all types at the foot of city hall, not really noticing the diversity until an out-of-towner remarked on it.

Everyone is staring where you once were, and the cops are poised to blow up other bombs found two blocks from your old apartment. An MIT cop, the kind of guy who never expected this sort of thing, gets shot outside of the building where you spent the first three days of your week. Living now, as I do, in Baltimore, one expects a certain amount of crime. You do not wish to be mugged, but you know that the probability of the crime is high.

I never could understand how New Yorkers felt about 9/11. That strange mix of pride and violation, removed from fear and hate. A desire for vengeance, sure, but directed toward individuals not groups. I’ll never be able to process events like this the same way again. It’s selfish, maybe, but that’s a limitation of humans. You can only fully empathize with feelings echoing those you’ve had before, and so maybe we can at least say that acts of terrorism enhance our humanity and community.

Touch Me, Feel Me

Women at Adolf Koch’s socialist body culture school, which drew on Reich’s ideas.

Disclaimer: I was surprised by the scattered, incomplete, and sometimes conflicting information I found about Wilhelm Reich online. Take everything here with a grain of salt.

Ted Kaptchuk, the guy studying placebos at Harvard, told his placebo-giving doctors to spend a little extra time with their patients. Give them a rub on the back, the grandfatherly type, while pausing for twenty-seconds of visible introspection, during which the patient may assume that you are pondering how best to proceed with his case. Brushing all of the details aside, those few extra gestures worked; the patients who received them fared better.

That a soft touch might make the patient and practitioner relationship more fruitful has never seemed an odd idea to me. Touch lends itself to trust, for one thing, and it can trigger a subtle wave of pleasure generally lacking from the doctor’s office. The trusting, relaxed patient will be more likely to disclose full information to their doctor, I imagine, and they’d be more responsive to their doctor’s care.

The last time someone touched me therapeutically, I was twenty-three. He was older, let’s say thirty, a reedy guy studying psychoanalysis. His blue eyes matched the blue veins showing through his pale skin, even though it was August and even I, usually pasty to the point of fluorescence, had a tan. We met in a Turkish coffee shop, him reading some book by Wilhelm Reich, who I’d never heard of at the time, and me probably re-reading Gravity’s Rainbow. His eyes caught my attention, then his book, so I started a conversation with him and asked him for a date. “Sure,” he said, suggesting we meet at nine in the morning a few days later at another coffee shop.

It was a tough date to make, but I didn’t have anything else to do. In a week I would be driving out of Boston for a month long camping trip, and from there I’d planned to settle in Baltimore. I hadn’t worked the whole summer, and had spent most of my free time sleeping in, getting stoned, and going out late. It was a dreamy few months for me, one ever content being lazy, but I knew that once it ended I’d probably have to resume waking up early like the rest of the world.

I figured the early date would be a practice run for future early wake-ups, and when the morning came I dragged myself out of bed and to the coffee shop my new friend had suggested. The Turkish place where we’d met was lined with windows on all sides. You sat on soft, tasseled pillows covering wicker seats, and your drinks came in tiny cast iron kettles. It was easy to lose hours sitting there indulging in romantic feelings, imagining intimate meetings with exciting strangers. But we didn’t meet there for our date. Instead, he suggested we go to the kind of place you stay in only because you don’t want your coffee to get cold while you wait for the bus. The shop was annexed to a dingy co-op supermarket, a hold out from Cambridge’s sixties glory days, I guess. There were no windows in the cafe except for a few facing the street, and the walls were a moldy tangerine. Not that anything would feel romantic at such an hour, but this place wasn’t even trying.

The guy came into the coffee place a little after me in a rumpled button up and jeans that hung too loose and short. I gave him the nonchalant, half-attentive smile I was sporting at the time and waited for him to finish the elaborate preparation he favored for his coffee before he sat down. There was a moment of silence at first, but then somehow while finishing our coffee we managed a conversation, one that revolved mostly around him. “I’m studying at the school of psychoanalysis downtown,” he told me. “It’s, um, the only accredited one in the country.” Whatever had been missing in his life—connection to other people, relaxation, pleasure—he found it in psychoanalysis. In particular, he told me, he was interested in physical psychotherapy, sometimes called vegetotherapy. It healed him, helped him get closer to what he couldn’t normally reach inside himself. Psychoanalysis lead him to revelations he would have never had otherwise.

He must have thought I was a monster, because I dismissed his beloved psychoanalysis pretty flippantly. I’ll admit to being an especially unbearable know-it-all that summer. A summer’s worth of acid had cleared up any neuroses I had, and there was no lack of sex in my life. Whatever loop you’re stuck in, acid seems to cut through it and lay it flat for you to examine. It’s easier to toss out your troubles that way. Maybe some people needed ritualistic healing, medicinal touch, or talk therapy to work through that process, but not me, I congratulated myself.  As I sipped my coffee, I looked at him straight through the halo of old mascara rimming my eyes and said that all of his studies and therapy seemed like a waste of time to me. Why sit through all of that talking when the right drug could give you the same revelatory experiences in just minutes?

That’s how we ended up walking back to his bedroom. He promised it wouldn’t be sexual, but strictly professional. Most of all, he promised that I’d begin to see that psychoanalysis works. If I had known more about his hero, Wilhelm Reich, at the time, I might not have believed that. Reich, an outspoken and controversial figure during his life, is best known for his orgone concept. Stemming from the root “org” (impulse, excitement, as in orgasm), orgone describes a universal life force linking libido and orgasms. Reich was obsessed with the libido and the forces that blocked it. Mental illness and neuroses, he theorized, arose from one’s inability to experience full, orgasmic release, and society would benefit if people came more often. These ideas weren’t so popular in the early twenties and thirties, and controversy chased Reich from one European country to another, eventually driving him to the United States.

As it was, my hapless date only explained that, as a new student of Reich-informed psychoanalysis he needed more patients for practicing his favored methods. He explained this to me as we walked up to his bedroom, a closet sized space with just a few feet left over between the bed and his desk. There he rolled a yoga mat onto the floor and told me to lie down. Part of what made Reich so controversial was his insistence that patients strip down during therapy sessions. That made it easy for him to press upon the body armor gathered across their body, until their tension released and allowed emotions pent up in the body to flow. He called this Vegetotherapy.

“When I touch you, relax,” my once-date-now-therapist said. “Relax more. You’re not relaxing enough—put your weight on me.” He was trying to break through my body armor. Though there are different strains of body psychotherapy, of which Vegetotherapy is one, most call for practitioners to press upon the areas where body armor develops. Reich taught that the armor forms when sex-negative teachings run at odds with one’s libido. After this armor breaks, patients should feel more comfortable expressing and pursuing their libidinal urges. Therapy might break through this armor, and so could an orgone accumulator. The latter was invented by Reich in 1940. The original orgone accumulator was a wardrobe-like structure intended to collect orgone from the atmosphere. It was made of layers of organic materials to absorb orgone and metallic ones that concentrated energy at the box’s center. Sitting in this high-orgone environment, Reich claimed, could have beneficial health effects. Orgone did not just have human effects. According to Reich, it could be harvested via his Cloudbuster device and used to control rainfall and clouds. Of course, there is no proof that either of these orgone-harvesting devices do what they claim to do, nor is there proof of the existence of orgone at all. Reich wasn’t very scientific in his study of the force and its potential powers. Even so, he did have enough of a following to catch the FDA’s attention. In 1954, they banned him from touting the medical importance of orgone, and outlawed the sale of orgone devices. Soon after, Reich was imprisoned for continuing to traffic in such contraband. He died in prison of heart failure at age 60.

It was hard to relax with a stranger sitting right above my head, positioned with his fingers pushing hard against the area just outside of my temples. A couple of times he switched positions, moving his fingers behind my shoulders and then to the rounds of my calves. “Relax on to me,” he said over and over, never sounding satisfied with my physical response. The way he explained it to me, if I could feel comfortable laying all my weight upon him in such a way that we were touching as closely as possible, that would open up a deep channel for conversation between us. He never mentioned any of Reich’s terms like body armor or orgone, and without those pseudoscience terms muddying things up, what he was saying made sense. How could a patient relate effectively to a therapist sitting across the room with a notebook in hand? What an artificial, alienating way to heal someone it seems, when you put it that way. But there is still a disconnect with vegetotherapy. His touch had been intellectually stimulating, but hadn’t triggered any emotional or physical release for me. Having always considered myself a little too easily excited, I was surprised to find that this new way of touching left me feeling not remotely aroused. There was nothing akin to an empathetic doctor’s pat upon your shoulder here; it was only a mechanical prodding, a choreographed routine that made one feel more like a test subject than a patient. No one actually intimate with each other would touch like this, and I never felt any rush of liberated orgone coursing from broken body armor.

After a few minutes, he moved away from me and curled up on the bed next to where I continued lying down. “So tell me about yourself. What do you worry about? What stresses you?” But the whole experience had left me so disoriented, I couldn’t think of anything that I felt comfortable telling him. If orgone existed, and if it had ever caused any blockages in me, then my summer had already shaken it loose. “I’m fine,” I said, “Really fine.”

Three Cat Portraits

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Hold the cat like you did a baby the first time you picked one up, cradled belly-up between your arms. All four of the cat’s sherbet-striped paws will wave in the air, and he will twist his snaggle-toothed face upward, looking directly into your eyes. A perfect tabby, maybe obese, with green eyes and a smile. The sun itself on a winter day.

If someone like Zadie Smith, the one speaking in “Joy”, can talk like a dog with her husband and then write about it, then surely I can write unabashedly about the cats we keep. The one above, and two females, one tiny and black, the other fluffy and fast.

The black one, Boots, finds dark corners in which to disappear. She’ll stay there for hours watching you with a scornful look. It’s not that she’s shy, but rather that she demands privacy. She swishes her tail, a bony instrument, and meows loudly to announce her entry into a room, as though to warn you to clear a path. Boots never sprawls out on her side. A wound coil even when resting, hind legs tensed and prepared to launch her at the slightest disturbance.

A window chain snapped one day, releasing its pane like a guillotine rushing down on Dusty’s front paw. The window only caught her, and she dangled like that for three hours. By the time she was found, it was too late; the leg had to go. Now Dusty runs from room to room, proving she’s still nimble, impossible to catch, even with only three legs. Often she’ll dash toward one of the other cat’s food bowls, where she’ll nip up a quick bite before exiting the scene. When caught, her cloud of brown fur puffs out. She hisses, but just for show, since she doesn’t have standing to swat away her foe.

If you’re loud, you might never see Copernicus, the third cat. He’s skittish, and will only let himself be seen if the crowd seems right. Sharp noises and heavy steps send him skittering beneath the nearest bed frame, where he will sit until hours after the perceived threat has gone away. Those determined to make his acquaintance, however, will find the attentions of this cat worth waiting. When he finally decides that you’re safe, the tabby’s love will exceed all other felines’. Once he climbs your legs and flops over on your lap, you’re stuck. There’s no escaping his heft once he’s settled in: You will pet him. What do you want to touch? His fur is velvety behind the ears, soft and feathery on his belly. His purr grows as you stroke him, from a quiet gurgle toward a deep, gravelly grind. Sometimes, when he really wants to feel good, he’ll hold out his two arms in front of him until he catches them on your hand. Without opening his eyes, he’ll rub your hand against his nose til the urge is sated. Petting him, if you want to do it right, takes at least twenty minutes.

Cats only ever seem to have one or two personality traits, bundled alongside a handful of predictable behaviors. If you touch him there, he will bite your finger; if you move the string this way, he will bat at it; shake the treat jar just so, and he’ll run to you. Until I had three in my house, I never could sympathize with cat collectors. But if it’s so easy to understand a trio of them, why wouldn’t one want to add more to the brood? Five, six, ten padded-foot housemates, I can imagine, lining shelves like books and lazy-licking their paws or chasing clods of dirt, as it may go.

A Decent Father, from What I Can Remember

Jean-Luc Picard Reads Shakespeare

My dad never quite looked the part. Twelve years my mother’s senior, he was thin and leathery, his skin hardened by a tanning regimen that not even the bright orange blondes of my high school could have rivaled. Every summer day he sat oiled and stretched over a thatched vinyl beach chair, the radio playing classic rock while my brother and I splashed nearby in a kiddie pool. I’ve yet to see anyone match the deep brown-red skin color, a strange one outside of easy racial classification, he attained in August and kept until the sun returned in the spring. Somewhere hidden on that darkened canvas lay a few tattoos and scattered scars. A parachute, I remember, a few shrapnel bumps, and other skinbound souvenirs from his Vietnam service. Around his neck he wore a gold chain, one just thick enough to suggest that he, the wearer, had purchased it as a status symbol. A thick gold ring with a heavy onyx stone and another chain, wrist-sized, rounded out his jewelry collection when they weren’t under pawn shop glass. My father’s real achievement, of course, was his glossy black hair and matching black handlebar mustache. Everyday after his shower, he waxed the long, thin ends of the mustache into two perfect curls centered between his deep dimples. I wasn’t allowed to touch his face while the wax set; if I did, even just to plant one kiss on him, dad said his whole mustache would fall off. So surely did I believe him, it wasn’t until last year that I realized he was probably lying about that.

It is easy for me to revisit my father’s physical appearance. My Daddy, the kicky eccentric self-parodying Italian, whose cartoonish appearance may have influenced my own flamboyant style. Those details well-captured and recited, the ones that mask any hint of my father’s behavior. I’ve always tried to gloss over the dark days he authored, pushing them aside to skulk off and wither in my memory’s forgotten corners. From the time I was little, my relationship to my father depended upon forgiveness and forgetting, and an understanding that he was not to blame for his moods. Before having my brother and I, my father served three Vietnam tours as a paramedic. His military career ended with a spray of shrapnel into his legs, a perfect injury severe enough for him to be listed as 100% disabled, but mild enough that he could still walk alone to the VA hospital when his pain meds needed a refill.

Nearly two decades passed between that injury and my birth, a surprise for a man who thought himself infertile. Dad played his part well, sometimes. He did best on pay day, when his government-issued check gave him enough money to take my brother and I on a small spree. We’d go see an age-inappropriate movie, eat chicken nuggets at McDonald’s, and, when times were good, take a run through KB Toys before picking out a present. “Ain’t I a good Dad?” he’d ask, before listing all of the things he’d bought us in the last year. Other respectable moments of fatherhood include the times we’d curl on the couch and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation, the booming, paternal voice of Captain Jean-Luc Picard encircling those memories of my father with unearned warmth.

Only scraps of sound and tears remain of my father’s worst days, the one’s I trained myself to forget almost as soon as they happened. Trying my hardest, I still cannot recall too many details. My parents’ fighting peaked in the house we had, briefly, after fleeing the city for the suburbs. To think of it now sets my heart racing still; even to hear the mildest arguing triggers a recall of the anxiety I felt in those days, hiding in the corner of my tiny pink bedroom waiting for it to end. Sometimes I’d duck into my brother’s spare bunkbed just so we wouldn’t have to be alone during it. We heard my mother, yelling desperately “Don’t Go!” while my father berated her and threatened to leave. Not empty threats, but ones he delivered with absences lasting a night, a few days, a week. Me always hoping to soothe things over, not understanding the why of their words, stretching myself across the hood of our car, the one my mother used to get to work, while he drove it from our house. That is, until one day I learned how to not-feel during those incidents, to bury myself in books and wait for it all to be over. And even when it ended, when my father left for the last time, the not-feeling stayed with me, left me hovering ten yards above my emotional vicissitudes, watching myself go through them as though they were biological functions that I could rationalize and will to leave.

When I was old enough to realize what it meant when my father said he was a Veteran, I wanted to know more about what he had seen. Couldn’t there be some logical explanation for everything he had done to my mother, my brother, and I? My mother’s self-esteem depleted, my brother left thinking all of the pain was her fault, and me numbed to everything. Did he see his best friend die, did he kill a child there? Am I not old enough to know? Movies, books, tell the stories of Vietnam, but never my father.

Ten years ago he took ill, and he has not left his bed since. It’s a good time to forgive him, but I have a hard time doing it without understanding what’s been driving him these last twenty-five years. It’s selfish, it’s irrational, and forgiveness should not require a condition like that. But when I ask my father about the war, I still feel disappointed when he shrugs and says “It was bad.” He makes light of it, showing me pictures of himself, young and clean-shaven, playing with the pet monkey he kept over there; only the happy memories, only the shallow ones.

My Mother’s Fake Teeth

When My Mother gets excited she goes, goes, goes and spits out her words until they fall into some kind of sentence that probably will not reflect what she meant to say.

“I…decided—Oop, excuse me!—that lobstah I ate last week, oof, wow! Anyway, so. I was walking yesterday and I saw Scott—Ashley, did you know that Scott, from high school, remember?, got married?—but this was a different one, Scott Towley, and he said—Oops, burp again!—well, it was something about what you were supposed to do with your health insurance? Aughhh, now I can’t remembah! What was that song we heard earlier? ‘He said! She said!’, I like that one!”

And you can imagine what it’s like to have this happening in the midst of a crab feast in sultry Maryland, humidity layered over the open water by which we sit and flies orbiting the spice-crusted red shells stubbornly holding on to our dinner meat. Twenty four once blue, now red of the steamed seaborn creatures cover the crisp brown paper set over our picnic table. You pay highly for these guys, but that’s nothing compared to the full day’s work it takes to actually render them edible once they are dumped unceremoniously from a metal bucket onto your table. Shell shards fly everywhere as seven of us smack crab backs with wooden mallets and jab their soft spots with painted-blue metal knives, using our fingers when the tools, as they often do, fail us and that’s when any illusion of civility really suffers. Toss aside their black lungs, try not to make contact with their still open eyes, and suck on their claws ’til they’re empty of edible stuff. All for a tablespoon or two of meat from each one, which you pinch in pieces between your thumb and index finger before rubbing it into the crab’s spiced shell and dropping into your waiting gob.

It’s the fourth day My Mother and I have spent together and I’m wearing thin, but I can always forgive my mother for spitting because she’s had an ill-fit bridge of false teeth in the front of her mouth for as long as I can remember. The teeth do not come down as far as her others do, but they are just as yellow as her natural teeth. When I’m tired after a tense work day, I daydream about slipping into my home, unclipping my bra, and letting that thing fall to the floor. My Mother experiences similar pleasure upon removing her bridge each night, and when I was young she’d wait til it was late enough and then dance a high step about the house to the tune of her well-loved classic rock wearing no teeth, no bra, and no pants, just underwear and a thin tanktop. I always hated interrupting her obvious glee at this point of the night, but sometimes your friends did come over after 8:00 in the evening, meaning you’d have to shuffle her into her bedroom, where nothing changed except that the music transferred from loudspeaker to headphones.

My Mother speaks more words than I even think, but she only says what she skims off the top of her thoughts, letting the darker stuff settle to the bottom where it bubbles, already dead, to the top only for fleeting moments. “Oh, well your cousin got kicked out of rehab and the baby’s back in the hospital–Look at the water out there! It’s GREAT! Man, I’ve got to get sailing this summer.” She lost her father, her mother, and two sisters that I know of by the time she was 32, and had already been divorced once (soon to be twice). I don’t think she grasps how incredible each of her smiles is, and I know she isn’t aware of how much I worry about her. When she has her sixth beer of the night, I develop a cartoon image of her organs failing in revolt, and I want to tell her to stop. But I won’t do that, because ladening her with worries heretofore not heeded wouldn’t be any better for her.

Transgression

Getting older is a process of realizing that the things you thought were transgressive were the same things everyone else was doing at your age.


One year, I quit my consulting job without a plan to follow. I spent the next four months in different shades of sobriety, ate a lot of cheap food, and attended too many parties. I felt free. After twenty-two years of behaving as expected, I began instead to follow each whim as it formed. While my friends were settling into the second year of post-college adulthood and ambling toward respectable careers, I ran from all responsibility. No relationships, small savings, and little sleep. Rather than rot my brain in exchange for a regular paycheck, I read Pynchon, Deleuze, and Zizek before heading out each night. Pretentious, you might say, but I still learned more than I would have from another year’s worth of spreadsheets.

Serious work in the American style, the kind where you toiled upward of sixty hours each week, didn’t make sense to me, and quitting was the only way I could think of to avoid that. There had to be a way to make a living without selling all of my living hours to a company, I figured, but I wasn’t sure what it was yet. “So brave!” gasped my girlfriends, who admired my disregard for status, stability, and money. They made me feel that I was doing the right thing, and that I had to succeed. I was their champion for liberated living, I thought.

Soon, my living room became a tiny court of fellow electively unemployed friends. One Wednesday, as four of us sat tripping in my air-conditioned apartment, everything seemed to dance around perfection. There was no furniture left in the room, leaving space for several yards of blank butcher block paper to unroll across the floor. We took turns choosing which churning and sparkling songs to play on the speakers, and each of us was occupied separately while remaining in the same space. As one friend made complex drawings across the thin paper, I watched and wrote. Another friend read, while the fourth sat staring at the brick wall in front of her. As the bookish friend began to read out loud, the artist drew her interpretation of what he quoted. She had never read those words before, but her drawings rendered their complex philosophy perfectly. Was this how it should be, I wrote? Creative spirits swirling into collaborative moments before receding into self-reflection again. Why doesn’t everyone live like this? I still feel nostalgic for days like that; No attempt to recreate that experience has caught fire.

If you had asked at the time whether I thought I was being transgressive, I would have said yes. Friends either marveled at my brave aimlessness, or fretted over whether I was going through a breakdown. I kept them in tension. Though I felt more confident than I ever have, part of me worried what I would do if my savings ran out. No one in my family would have enough money to buoy me, and the thought of moving home mortified me. But unlike most people of my age and socioeconomic background, I sensed that my resume and degree would get me work when I really needed it.

When I got bored of where I was living, I packed up and went on a road trip before moving to a new city. I had no income waiting for when I got there, but I did at least find an apartment. My hazy plan for self-sustenance in my new home revolved around an income I hoped to cobble from several part-time jobs. Friends might have admired my elective unemployment and unplanned move, but it didn’t feel like bravery to me. I fantasized about the life lived electric, about transforming myself into a circuit through which unplanned pleasures would flow easily. But that’s not what I chose to do that summer. It was a strategic abandonment of society’s expectations, one that wasn’t meant to last forever.

Sometime during that roadtrip, as I barreled across rainy southern roads alone in a borrowed car, anxiety found me and begged me to slow down. There were limits to my indulgence, and I couldn’t drive fast enough to escape them. Though I didn’t resume work until my total assets hit a perilous $60 low, I also took care not to accrue any debt that I wasn’t able to pay off shortly. Getting a full time job right after landing in my new home helped. Forget being free, I was hungry, and I wanted to have enough money to eat something other than beans and eggs once in a while. My summer of irresponsibility seemed like it was part of something bigger, at first. If everyone acted like my friends and I did, we told each other, the world would be a better place. More peaceful, less greedy, more pleasurable. We never acknowledged what a luxury it was to even make that statement. All of us were well-educated, and none of us were addicted to anything harder than coffee and cigarettes. Some of us came from rich families, and all had at least one place they could call home if all else failed. No family members staked their livelihood on income we provided. Easy, unencumbered living; We could go anywhere.

A friend, one who works for the government but enjoys an occasional night of E and techno, asked me if I thought “enjoying oneself” and “having fun” were becoming transgressive acts. She spoke the word “transgressive” with a special awe, implying that transgression was the highest achievement. It’s a valid question now that being busy all of the time is the norm. Even in leisure time, people tweet and meet and make connections that can contribute to self-advancement. Maybe, then, the simple act of relaxing, partying, or going for a night of drinking is transgressive. There’s a long history of pleasure, inebriation, and rebellion going hand in hand. In an era where education is so highly valued, destroying rather than nurturing precious brain cells is rebellious. But is dropping acid still rebellious when you’re twenty-something and working a 9-to-5? Nowadays, that behavior speaks more to youth, education, and privilege. Drug use, even if it is illegal, is popular amongst my college educated friends because we are smart enough to understand that psychedelic dabbling won’t kill you, in spite of what D.A.R.E. might have preached. Binge drinking, even though it can be addictive, is common enough that those who don’t partake put themselves at risk of ridicule. Getting “fucked up” does not make one transgressive, not for those who spend their sober time steadily climbing a prescribed career ladder. You are always being watched, by your friends and your employers. Yes, the latter expect you to behave where they can see you, but the former set an example of constant fun and of pictures documenting it. We should try to think independently, we should work to act out when we can, but we should recognize that if we’re not catching grief for the ways in which we rebel, then perhaps we’re not there yet.

The world today is made of tiny sects, each holding their own internally consistent norms and beliefs and expectations, all cordoned off by social media and inactivity. We don’t go outside enough, we don’t have random encounters with enough strangers. When we do, we already expect them to be different from us. I don’t think that I, or my peers, are the ones who can truly answer what transgression is. We live in liberal cities where all forms of rebellion and self-expression have been normalized. Though you might stop to look at a man in fishnet tights and a leather vest, he won’t cause any trouble in most places.  Aesthetic choices, lifestyle and clothing changes, don’t count, and that includes your preferences in fun. Leisure is a luxury, not a transgressive act, and not everyone can afford to enjoy it. In times that expect us to be concerned with our own personal brand and the expression of our ego across myriad social networks, rebellion may have to occur in a more communal site.

Love and Terrors and NYC

Driving to NYC with P, we are quiet. I want to be laughing wildly like the people I see around us, and then of a sudden I realize we are and it is refreshing, it feels right, everything with him so smooth and comfortable but still surprising. Our moods always vacillate but we do not impede each other, we feel our own way through angst and glee and observe the other when there is nothing we can do.

Our eyelashes interlace as we kiss closely for the uncountable’th time. To have him pressure against me, not perfect, sometimes clumsy, but with sincerity. Clumsy because his guard is down, and I would rather that than rehearsed finesse. He can be guileless with me, there is an inchoate something that I find in his smile. What?

When I am out alone, solo social calls with another, I feel halved. To not know where one begins and the other ends, I have seen that writ and I do understand it. Do the people around love as we do? They seem other species compared to him and I.

We arrive and find K at a bar she chooses. Sometimes I worry about her, but when I see her she is fine, and I remember why she rejuvenates me so, it feels right to have her kisses to kiss her soft hair and embrace her thinner form, displayed as I have not seen before. Maybe she was always so slight, but I think that she is just wearing tighter clothes maybe she feels more comfortable maybe that is how she approaches being single maybe that’s why she never is for long, because she is really lovely.

But to the present, as we try to get drinks. Cue the bartender, to K: “He was yelling at me, he had banged his head against the wall, he was bleeding, and he would only yell, ‘CALL K! CALL K! CALL K!’ I did, you’re here, what happened?”

The bartender is why K’s here. She is marked by metal, black tattoos and dyed black hair and crooked teeth (perhaps a stray bottle did it). There are lowbrow drink specials, cheap beer dumped in strong drinks, but pristine bathrooms. There is metal music, but sometimes The Smiths play. “New management,” K says.

The “he” above, he with the bleeding face, appears. She doesn’t tell me, but I guess it’s him. Shoulder-length blonde hair, cutoff shorts, large t-shirt for his small frame. “His father was a heroin addict; his mother left.” He just moved to New York City, and he found drugs quickly. I would have guessed heroin, cocaine maybe, but K says acid.

There is an off-center tattoo, a spider web topped with text, “Knight Terrors,” on his elbow.  “Because I know them better than any,” he tells us. I’m rapt as he tells us about the wraith that haunts him. Its speech moves from shadow to threat. “Ayeye ohfh eewe, eatw rrmmm infneee” it says at first, then “Aye oh u, u aaa miii,” at last, “I OWN YOU, YOU ARE MINE,” it shouts at him from above the ceiling, positioned upon its own plane. He cannot move away from this attack. Powerless and paranoid, bolted to one’s seat, paralyzed by vivid sleep.

Housemates

 

Delicious Centipedes

It is hot. Last week, we came home from vacation to find a lazy fly half-dead on our bed. It’s been 100 degrees for days, and the flies aren’t having it. Few flap, and the ones that do will happily land on whatever body or table in their path. Their reflexes have quit; It’s too damn hot.

The flies aren’t the only ones. The pedestrians of Baltimore have given up on waiting for walk lights. If you’re walking, then you’re trying to get to wherever you’re going, which will probably be cooler, as quick as you can. Those guys in cars have air-conditioning; they’ll stop to let you pass. Anyway, with heat like this, it gets hard to see. Maybe you don’t notice the traffic oncoming, or your eyes are fixed down to the pavement, not up toward the sun. The air moves in dishwater hued waves. It gets to you.

Last night I saw a mouse in our kitchen. He didn’t dash away, but lazily wiggled behind our stove. So vulnerable, his tiny tail waving around as he took a whole minute to ease into hiding. The cat, an extravagant furball, is too hot to chase him away.

None of this matters, though, when you spend most of your time in an air-conditioned oasis, your twelve by seven foot bedroom, at home. Or, that would be the case, at least, if the cold contrast to heat didn’t bring out other intruders.

A three-inch centipede crawls from a crevice between our crooked walls. It pauses, adjusting to the room’s dim light, then dashes across the floor. Upon countless legs it ascends wooden paneling, until it is at eye level across from where I sit. It is a deep brown-black the color of my hair.

I turn to science for comfort. Do centipedes bite? Surely not (in fact, they do). Are they short-lived? Of course, and they’ll die off quickly (again, false; they live five to seven years). Being as large as they are, they have to be solitary creatures, right? Lonely, singular, indepedent (Untrue, they nest in hundred strong hoards). As I learn about the creature in front of me, my resolve to kill it grows. Before I find a weapon to do it, he’s outside of my reach. Racing to and fro across my room’s ceiling, directly over the bed in which I sit, he seems to consciously taunt me.

It was late, and I couldn’t help but project malicious intent upon This Thing. When I’m the last one awake, I fall to paranoia. This single specimen stands for a swirling nest of centipedal filth, each member of which must be bent on disturbing my peace. For now, they have been appearing one at time, every night at about the same hour. If this is not a sign of a carefully planned attack, then it is at least a disturbing coincidence. I fear that some night I’ll wake to find my walls alive with them. In a nightmare, my roommate and I hop barefoot across our living room as giant centipedes nip at our toes. We can not escape them. When I wake to find my floor squirming with tiny white larva, it seems my dream has come true.

The New Help

“Unlocking creativity”

Guilt paralysis

Myths of creativity, what you should do in your twenties, urging youth to create early and often.

There are so many social media gurus sharing trite aphorisms as though they were hard-fought wisdom. I’ve seen friends recycle their words on Facebook and on Twitter. Embrace your day and what it brings you, then ask for more the next day. Dance free of your inhibitions, be the you that is most you. Don’t listen to naysayers; Follow your heart and spring toward the future. Et cetera.

I guess I’d hoped we’d be past self-help by now. All of these phrases assume that each of us can see the light from where we sit. Is what you want in view? A friend recently told me that she can’t wait to make her final career change. She’s twenty-five, but she is set to settle. Not that I can blame her. We are taught from an early age that once you find it, your chosen career will be fulfilling and, if you’d like, creative. We. The ones who were taught that through education one can be free, the ones who succeed, the ones who try. You’ll get what you deserve. After 2008 and the job market decimation it brought, fewer buy that. Confidence shattered for years until the recent resurgence of “sieze your life” evangelism.

But whom does that creativity serve? The ones I knowing buying in to this wisdom run start-ups or are freelancers. Though the work ethos might be the same, self-employed or bust, the outcome is very different. Is a young, highly-trained (or self-taught) programmer really on par with a freelance graphic designer fresh from a lower tier art school? Well, no, of course not. But this new language of creativity dare not warn anyone that, perhaps, his talent might be subpar. Don’t listen to critics, this language urges. Maybe a start-up founder knows when her project isn’t working. The money just won’t be there. But for a struggling artist, I think these words are toxic. They encourage uncompromising creation, an unwavering aesthetic impenetrable to critique. Anyone who’s worked with clients (or a boss of any type, for that matter) knows how difficult standing one’s ground can be. Kudos to those who do not collapse under criticism, I say. But those who do not even consider it, those who categorize it as negativity and do not engage with it? Well, sometimes you’re wrong, and it’s right to compromise.

If you’ve been following enough dispensers of internet-age, creativity-liberating Tweeps, you might start to feel guilty if you’re not as successful as they are. You might not think that the successful ones you try to emulate are actually just barely eking out an existence, and that they’re typing their collected (not earned) wisdom from a cafe with free internet, or perhaps a parent’s house. You might, actually, start to lose confidence in yourself as you begin to feel that you pale in comparison to the liberated, elite creatives who seem to dominate the internet. Worst of all, you could easily forget that every person you know who is solely employed in their creative pursuit of choice is poor, overworked, and envious of your health insurance. That said, they’re probably happier than you are. You shouldn’t be jealous. Envy is a toxin to which their is no antidote.

The Wedding

“Well, we were just engaged two weeks ago, so we’re just looking at every detail here, you know?  We want to make sure that we get it right.”

“Right, right, I know what you mean.  I’m watching this and thinking, ‘Well, when I do this there’ll be no ceremony, no speeches’…too many things can go wrong!”

“EXACTLY, you get it. Obviously we need to make sure that the bridesmaids are poised. This one’s been drinking all day, you can just tell, she can barely get her words out. No one wants to hear that.”

I hate weddings. Reluctantly in love, but nevertheless eager to tail my dearest wherever he’ll take me, I’m sitting next to a walk-in closet case and his tightly curled beard at some Protestant country club affair. Listen, the last thing I’m trying to hear is a pile of congratulatory wedding speech aphorisms, but even I know to shut it, or at least revert to signs and whispers, during the speeches. It’s the discordant sound of voices vying with each other to be heard that bothers me more than the fact that they’re stopping me from hearing Daddy’s ode to daughter.

As the speeches wrap, they try to speak to me again. It’s funny how some people, having ceded themselves to a coupled identity, assume that any other loving pair has something inherently in common with them. Too wordy.  What I mean to say is: What gives this girl the idea that I want to talk to her about her wedding to her fiance who, I might add, could easily and legally marry a dude in DC?  I’m skeptical of his intelligence. I don’t know.  Maybe she’s desperate.

It’s self-centered of me, but I always assume that the more a pair worries about presentation, the more they worry about their collective identity, then the less they’re fucking. He supported my hypothesis, too, when he told me that they wanted to share a room with his family, until they realized the suite was too crowded. Maybe I’m in the minority here, but a larger bill could scarcely come between me and hotel sex, that precious commodity. All of the new surfaces, the sheets you won’t have to clean later, endless towels, pristine shower, the guarantee of not being caught. If the novelty and the glory of hotel sex has worn off for you, I’m dreadful sorry. And, if you’re willing to take a break from fucking long enough to plan an intricate wedding, then you either have far more self control than I do, or you just aren’t doing it right.

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